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Tuesday, June 17, 2008 !@#$% 9:53 PM
Cik Ida's going off tonight, she's gonna be at the airport at 12 and her flight's at 3 a.m. I want to go see her off so bad lah. my mum's too tired though so we ended up just calling her up. seems like everyone's working in different countries now, eh? Cik Ida, Paman Jo and Kak Siti. the few that I know. bahhs. Maya is damn cute. lol. I just did a oneshot for Farzana. okay fine, I just did a oneshot for Farzana yesterday. I'm posting it underneath. I've posted it on mibba though. my stomach is giving me cramps like shitfuck. I really don't know why. mehh.
__________________________________ Pretending Impossible. The word that runs through his head every single time he looks at her. So beautiful, so magnificent yet so eccentric. She was the one. The one person that has always been in the back of his mind. Never would he thought such feelings would develope, nor did he want it. Pretend. What he is made of now. Pretension. Why he is with so many woman. Why he kisses guys. Why he’s so flamboyant. The claim that he made for himself. The trademark of who he is. Being loud and forward. That was who he is. But is it who he is deep down inside? Love, we are it’s willing prey Love. The word wasn’t foreign to him. He has always heard it. Be it sincere or not. And he has grown to ignore it. He knew everything and everyone had their walls up. He knew this was a game. He didn’t want to be a player in the game. He wanted to control it. Love. He doesn’t need it. He doesn’t want it. Deep down inside, he’s just scared. Scared of what will happen. The rejection, the loss. What he will go through if he ever felt it. If he ever made it that far. Our hearts will only end up in tears He wasn’t to blame. A game. All fake, unatural, untrue. So why must he be the genuine one? Why must he be one to pour out his feelings about something that he knows will never come true? Impossible. Over the years, he has learned how to be a fake. How to pretend. How to put up a façade. How to act like you care when you don’t give two fucks. It has made his heart turn cold, make everyone aware of what he is. A beast. Under the layers of skin, he is a real person. Under the rockstar persona, man-whore extrodinaire, he has a heart. A heart that is aching for the love he craves. The love that he wants. From her. A distance. How he kept their relationship. He doesn’t want to be involved. He pushes love away. But she keeps coming back. Coming back to reduce him to pieces. Hating him. How he wants to make her feel. Because he doesn’t want to be dissapointed. He doesn’t want to be the victim of love’s game. The victim of heartbreak and tears. Trust is a word, all lovers know The glorious art of staining souls Trust her. Oh how he wanted to. But he cannot trust nor be fooled in this. He wants control, he wants pleasure, he wants it all. That is the only way he would be dragged into this awful game of love. A smile. She smiles at him. She knows him. She adores him, she wants him, she loves him. He is pretending, she knows. He is scared. Scared of what love will do to him. How it would break him, crush him, if ever she wanted to do so. But her heart yearns. She has known him for years. For years now she waits. For him who is scared of what comes his way. The façade he puts up to block the world away. Oh so scared. She doesn’t want that to be an impression of love. Love is supposed to be happy, warm, the feeling that makes you safe and make butterflies flutter around your stomach. She wanted that with him. She wanted it so bad. “Love isn’t such an awful feeling.” He looked up, his crystal eyes meeting her sharp violet ones. The beauty. “How do you know?” She laughed, “Because love is supposed to be made up of happiness, willingness, everything good.” He glanced her way, “Don’t be naïve. This world is too cruel to be led by good. Everything evil now is good, that is all it narrows down to.” “Always picturing it in a negative way, don’t you, Mikkonen?” “It’s not that I’m picturing it in a negative way,” He reasoned, looking into the horizon, “I’m just stating that fantasy will bite you in the arse if you go around it too much.” “So love is a fantasy to you?” Nodding, he said, “Everything good and fuzzy and white is fantasy, Cheria. Black. That is what the world is. That is why never trust anyone.” “So I can’t trust you?” He wanted to scream. Of course he wanted her to trust him. Of course he wanted to believe in love. Of course he wants to. He shook his head, “No one.” With that, he got up, strolling along the river bank, pretending that he knows. Pretending that he owns. Pretending that he is not in love. So keep on pretending, it’s all right oh yeahh, disclaimer;- Title and lyrics credit to Pretending by HIM |
